Tonight I was pondering rather painfully about some difficulties and muddles I am facing in my life right now. I came to a point where I was wondering- do I care too much? Am I giving too much of myself away and neglecting myself because I care too much for something? Should I start being a little more selfish? Should I try to preserve myself from harm and hurt? Isn't there a limit to how much you can and should tolerate, overlook, put aside and forgive?
Then I thought to myself- Jesus cared so much for us that he died horribly for us. Miserable, messed up and human as we are, he loved us, tolerated us, forgave us, and cared so so terribly much for us. How much he suffered before and upon the cross- surely that is the ultimate price to pay for caring. If Jesus tolerated our twistedness despite His pure nature and therefore his absolute right to abhor and judge- surely I in my imperfections can try to forgive lesser wrongs, too. Surely I can put aside my personal hurts and give, and give, and give. And care.
The key, I figured, is to walk with God always. Follow his word and emulate Jesus to the best of my ability. I am only human; I am so very weak and I am indelibly tarnished with sin, but redemption has been made available to me through Jesus's incredible act of love. Seek God and all should fall into place... It doesn't at all mean that everything becomes perfect and easy. Rather, walking with God will give me the strength and the spirit to face my troubles with a basic sense of peace and the security that accompanies the knowledge that my Father is with me always. He will never let me fall away if I don't push him away first.
Our pastor spoke today about looking for the positive, rather than the negative. About celebrating the good rather than criticising the bad. Because if you focus too much on stains and flaws, they fill your mind and you become blind to the good and beautiful that does exist around you. Before I started typing this entry, I opened my devotional book to a random place, and I read a devotional that again spoke about changing a negative attitude into a positive one. There must be a reason for this, I thought. Have I been focusing too much on something negative and missed out on the positive? Am I focusing too much on the wrongs done to me, and -my- pain and -my- hurt and -my- sense of being served unjustly, that I have completely missed out on other important things? Did I miss a chance to appreciate something good?
So after mulling over all this for a while, I decided that it comes down to this- walk with God always and care, care, care all you like. It can't go wrong with God there to guide. Love is amazing, the most beautiful connection a person can ever feel. God IS love, after all. He is love personified. Give, just as he gave his son to us. Love, just as he loves us. You can never sacrifice as much as the Father and the Son have sacrificed for us, so why begrudge? Why stinge? Embrace the hurt, forgive, and try to make people happy. Happy people are lovely things to see.
From songs that I picked for cell worship this week-
"And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love, love, love burning in my heart."
"And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"
"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me."
I'm so far from good, so far from fitting the nice pure Christian girl stereotype. God knows. I've sinned in incredible amounts. I'm not intending to portray myself as some pious holier-than-thou prig. Merely writing down my thoughts. Still quite sad :( and confused. Trying to depend on God, though. Trying to build my relationship with him. I think true Christians are amazingly courageous people. It takes a certain kind of courageous strength to firmly believe in someone intangible, someone you cannot feel, touch, or see. To love that someone. I'm nowhere there yet, I have to admit. I'm still getting to know God. Slowly. Slowly.
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